Saturday, April 01, 2006

Foot(firmly)-in-the-mouth disease

All my friends, particularly those that know me well, know that I suffer from one serious, but non-infectious disease. This is the "Foot-in-the-mouth" disease whose main symptom is the patient's unending urge to plant his/her foot (gulp) into his/her mouth.

Usually, symptoms of this disease manifest themselves during puberty, and while it affects both genders, the male of the species tends to succumb to this more frequently, and with greater intensity. Ofcourse, there is no cure for this disease and while the symptoms may be mitigated, they tend to relapse ever so often. And a miraculous thing about this disease is that its symptoms adhere to Modern Physics - they appear in both space and time, confirming to the eternal Space-Time Continuum. To elaborate, there are three major kinds of symptoms that have been observed. The first is "SITAAT" or Say Inappropriate Thing At Appropriate Time. The second, "SATAIT" or Say Appropriate Thing At Inappropriate Time, and the final one is "SITAIT" or Say Inappropriate Thing At Inappropriate Time. Ofcourse, there is also the rarely occurring DITAAT, DATAIT or DITAIT, with the D standing for "Do", but that is not significant to my discussion and so I'll let that rest.

However, I am not a registered medical practitioner, and with the licensing hawks around, I better take care about diagnosing medical problems on my blog. [Remember, my disclaimer does not still exempt me from any harm that may be caused to someone using information from my blog.] I'll just talk about my symptoms. I have a severe, relapsing case of FIM, known as the FFIM, or the Foot Firmly In the Mouth disease. It's symptoms are similar, but unlike the FIM, where the foot does get to go out of the mouth, when you have the FFIM, the foot just doesn't leave it. Ofcourse, it relapses quite regularly, is mostly harmless, and tends to attack particularly when I am conversing with an (unrelated) female of my species. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that the disease immediately 'informs' me that it has set in, but only after the symptom has been broadcast to the entire planet (which according to the Stinky Foot theory of relativity, is at that instant of time constituted of the trigger and me and any others listening in to the conversation). For long, I've been looking for a cure for this disease, but it has eluded me. One way to mitigate the problem, has been to avoid the trigger, but in today's world, that is hardly feasible.

Diagnoses welcome.

(PS: In case you noticed, I did change my blog to add the disclaimer. So long, suckers!)


kattricker said...

Well... just saw that nobody had left a comment (so much for the suckers!). So thot would bold a step here.
Just have one thing (cure) to tell you man... get married! No guarantees that the disease will go away (well it might if you think about it - you will get an insight into the species!). As with any medication (cure), there probably will be side-effects, so check with your doctor!

gops said...


Your suggestion is an example of the cure being worse than the disease! Or "kaupeena samrakshanaartham maarjalam", if you're culturally inclined ;)

Yeah, the side-effects will be too painful to bear.